Know thyself through thine own spambio

[A note from the amanuensis: Dr Essai first delved into his spam folder five years ago for the unjustly obscure blog 10,000 Days. Recently, he decided to revisit the topic. Not much has changed.]

In my personal quest, my journey to self-awareness, self-knowledge, self-actualization, deep self-selfness as I do me and live my best life, I am in constant search for new sources of data that tell me the story of me. It has become a truism that the internet knows us to a creepy degree, stalking us everywhere with adverts for those $40 t-shirts that flatter our dad bods. “Dad bods” being the current socially acceptable term for what used to be called dumpy and saggy, or simply fat. But I think the universe speaks to us through the internet. And one thing it is trying to tell us is that our true selves can be divined from our spam folders.

But first a warning, my fellow spiritual questers: data-mining one’s spam is only for those unafraid to look in the mirror, stripped of all illusions and self-deception. Fellow walkers of the path, I confess that I was sure that I knew myself as a healthy, prosperous, well-adjusted 70-year-old man who could turn a phrase. Little did I realize how an analysis of only one week of the spam that came into my inbox would pull the veils away to reveal an overweight, disease-ridden, debt-encumbered woman with a gambling problem who can’t get it up and has stringy hair. The person that, as I see clearly now, I truly am.

What a spelunk of my spam folder has revealed:

• I need to borrow some money. Maybe a lot.
• Probably because I am in debt. How much in debt, I’m not sure, but I fear the worst, for I have received numerous portentous communiqués.
• I am also in the market for a new mortgage.
• However, first I need to log into and check on my accounts. (Several people have offered to help me with the log-in part, which is nice.) Why is not clear to me, but maybe I just don’t want to face the truth that such an examination would reveal?
• I want to redo my bathroom. This might not be the best time, given the whole sketchy personal finances thing, but I haven’t dismissed the idea.
• Although, now that we’re talking about bathrooms, I do worry about getting stuck in my bathtub.
• Besides, I have been told, “Bad credit? No problem!” So what could go wrong?
• Probably because of all this financial stress, I suffer from erectile dysfunction.
• But ever an optimist, I still want to meet hot Russian and Asian girls.
• I am 50+ and searching for new masculine energy. That’s a euphemism for the erectile thing, isn’t it…
• I desire a nursing degree.
• I gamble.
• But I am not an attentive gambler, apparently, because I nearly missed a final warning to claim my $5,700.00 bonus from Lucky Creek Casino. (There’s so much money just lying around out there, unclaimed. It’s shocking, really.)
• I am fat (see earlier bathtub anxiety).
• Some of the previous items might be related to my having been abused as a Boy Scout; fortunately, I may be entitled to compensation, which would help a lot with my chronic money problems.
• Perhaps because of my excess weight, I am diabetic. The good news is I can fix that with a keto-slim diet.
• I want a permit to carry a concealed firearm. As an overweight gambler who can’t get it up and is badly in debt, that’s probably not a good idea, but I am keeping an open mind.
• I have ringing in my ears because I don’t eat THIS for breakfast.
• I have Parkinson’s disease.
• I also have toenail fungus. It’s always something. Thank god I’m too fat to see my feet.
• I am looking for a drug that’s better than morphine but safer than aspirin. Think about that for a moment. I’ll wait.
• I need to save on my car insurance. (You know, I must be bad with money. There’s no other explanation. I have to face the facts.)
• But! I see a potential way out: I’m considering starting my own company and need some advice. (A CFO might be a good place to start.)
• I am a woman searching for thicker, fuller hair. This does not square with my erectile dysfunction. But as all of us who seek know, life is mysterious.
• It is time to fix my boots.
• Finally, “As the world continues to change with uncertainty, the United States Department and International Government Organizations are responding with Financial Aid globally. With courtesy, the FBI wishes to inform you about your source of funding and about your Eligibility to have been granted great Financial Relief in tune of $15.5 million USD.”

Ohhhh. My problems are over.