23 Nov 2023 2 min read

Moments made possible by one of those open offices without dividers

Letter No. 62: Includes tiny narratives, shards of story, and epigrammatic morsels of mordant observation.

First, to all of my American subscribers, Dr Essai wishes you a most happy Thanksgiving. And now, quotations from a workplace:

That’s her third donut. I mean, really? With those hips?

You wouldn’t say that about a man.

He must have gone running at lunch again. Should somebody say something?

Cute. So is that knitting or crochet? I can never keep that straight.

You remember last time? When he put an egg in the microwave? Yeah.

I don’t get it. What’s with putting a broom on his chair?

The O’s swept the Yankees last night.

I still don’t get it.

She hasn’t gone for afternoon coffee in four days and she has to leave for some kind of appointment today at 3. I think someone’s pregnant.

Congratulations? I guess?

Know how I knew I was pregnant? His cologne started nauseating me in the morning.

Oh god, I hear schools are closing at noon. That means we’re in for a horde of offspring.

Zach’s pinned up a picture of his son, the one in college. Man, I’d jump that.

Your daughter sounds like a handful.

She seems like a lovely person, but I could not sit up there and listen to those sniffles all day.

Is that a sling? Jesus, what did he do this time?

If he leaves the company, they won’t be able to clean his desk. They’ll have to excavate it.

So there’s a desk under there?

I know that beanbag sound. You just set down a bag of Jelly Bellies, didn’t you? Remember, the truly compassionate share. Oh, that’s just mean.

There’s pastry in the break room.

It’s not for us. There’s a meeting.

Oh. … Should I put it back? Haven’t touched it with any mouth parts yet.

That mug’s never been washed, has it.

Ever notice how every time you walk by his desk, he watches you from the corner of his eye? It’s creepy.

Okay, I have to ask…did she come to work wearing just her boyfriend’s shirt?

That’s actually a thing. It’s called “the boyfriend dress.”

She’s really young, isn’t she?

Swear to god, I can see him at his desk, right over there, the same desk with the phone that I’m calling, and he won’t pick up. Still won’t pick up. Still won’t.

Love how he starts his calls on speakerphone just so we all know how important he is.

I love being the first one in the office in the morning. The way the automatic lights come on row by row…

If he doesn’t change that ring tone soon I’m gonna smash his fucking phone.

I don’t call that business casual.

What is he doing under his desk?

I dunno. Changing the oil?

I hear your test results came back.